Dear. dear Brainmelt - (you poor thing) -
I am so upset to think you are still having such anguish (because I know from experience the same pain)
If I could make 2 suggestions -
1. Write a therapeutic letter. Please, back up about 20 hours on JWN, and read the letter our 'sis' Skygreen wrote to her elders (It's her post number 135). her concerns are similar to yours.
You express yourself well, and writing gives the opportunity to present personal, private, thoughts thouroughly and explicitly. A thoughtful letter to the 'right' elder (if you have one) may champion your pleas for peace and freedom from coercion.
2. Take a copy of your letter, and visit a counsellor - in times of grief, sorrow and pressure, a good councellor is a true friend in the hour of need.
Please, and keepmin touch here - we love you. (guy hug)